Afterglow (feat. Soundmouse) by: Phaeleh
can’t stop listening to this song~~ Permalink ~~ Reblog ~~
wow. i haven’t been here in a long time. when i look at my past blogs, i feel like i am a different person. i feel more confident today then i ever have. In June marks my 3 year anniversary of teaching yoga! i almost cant believe it.
here is a story i wrote
“It was said of Abbot Agatho that for three years he carried a stone in his mouth until he learned to be silent.”
I started practicing yoga in 2003 in Orlando, and from the very first class I was hooked. My teacher, the music, the movements entranced me and made me feel strong. Many times I would leave before shavasana or the corpse pose, the final resting pose where the body absorbs everything it has just experienced. I would leave because I couldn’t sit still and had things to do, so I needed to move on. For years I practiced yoga the same way, twice a week: I never missed it!
In 2008 my life took a radical turn. I moved to France to be closer to my mother, and to try a different path then the one I had been walking. Within months of moving there I found a new yoga teacher and decided that I was going to get certified to teach. One of the appeals of this particular training program was the inclusion of a voyage to India to add depth to our practice.
My group spent three weeks in southern India, getting up at five every morning and practicing for four hours with the rising of the sun. I stayed in a hut alongside the ocean, waves lulling me to sleep every night. I often walked to practice listening to my Ipod, and I spent most of my time making jokes with the people around me, all in all having a good time. I didn’t realize there was something I was missing, that I hadn’t quite connected with everything I was doing.
It finally came together one afternoon. We had three-hour classes in the afternoon. Part of these classes was to be spent getting taught by the students and then critiquing their classes. The day I had to teach I was so nervous, I felt unprepared, like I didn’t really know what I was doing. I forgot half my vocabulary and started with the end, it was all over the place, and I felt embarrassed by my lackadaisical attitude. The critiques came down hard: I was a joke, I disappeared, and I put on a front! My teacher even mentioned my Ipod and how I would sometimes smile at him during practice sessions instead of being in my practice. All these actions were just distractions. I was so permanently distracted that I was myself a distraction from my self.
After that afternoon, I went back to my hut and spent the rest of the evening alone reflecting, I did some soul searching and realized I didn’t want to half-live my life, I wanted to be present for everything! From that day forward my practice changed. I became more focused. And then my life changed. I stopped treating myself like one big joke and learned to be silent.~~ Permalink ~~ Reblog ~~
71 notes ~~ Permalink ~~ Reblog ~~
Finally, i am awakening from the super funk that’s had me down the past few months. thank goodness. its funny, i can actually sense the new wind pushing me out and forward. now many different things have brought me out, making up with a lost friend or maybe its that Venus is in retrograde. whatever it is, i welcome it with open arms. so now its time to refocus my energies. my classes have been going great but i need to get back on the marketing bus and get more people connected to what I’m doing, community!
yesterday, i went to the beach in the middle of the day and made sandcastles, jumped in the ocean. it was such a nourishing moment, its no surprise that i often conjure up the ocean as a base for my yoga classes. yoga is connection, reconnecting with a part of yourself that is easily forgotten with the worries and to do lists. the breath brings you back and then the flow of the body, your body will never lie to you. people try to ignore it, but it always catches up with you!
i recently heard someone say that depression is caused by anger turned against yourself, or another one, depression is being stuck in the past. i totally get that. my depression is a wall of anger that i surround myself with, a wall of blame for everything that I’ve ever done “wrong”. so I’m feeling better now, but i don’t forget what i went through. anxiety is worrying about the future. yoga is great because it brings you to the present. when you are stuck in the past, or future, the present suffers. thankfully, a lot of things can be fixed! so, here’s to fixing things:)~~ Permalink ~~ Reblog ~~
i have been all over the place lately, i really thought by 32 i woud have it all figured out. but i am more confused then ever, is that because im finally facing my demons? i’m going to say yes, we humans, are so very adept at lying to ourselves, no more i say, NO MORE. we run away from the uncomfortable truth, and mask our pain with drugs. yes, i’m going to have to admit there is a definite chemical imbalance in this brain of mine, and over the years i’ve self medicated. yoga helps, but it also stops me dead in my tracks, makes me realize i can have everything in the world exactly how i wish, and still the little girl inside me is crying out at the unjustice, she hurts. i’ve tried to ignore her, to drown her, to beat her down, but she lives on. the only thing i can do now is face her, yes, you’ve been hurt and no, you didnt deserve it but here we are. if only i could reach out to her, and givve her all the love and validation she missed out on. i guess thats what i’m going to try to do. because she is a strong little bitch this girl, she is a survivor. she will destroy me if i dont listen. i’m opening the dialogue, “little juju, you are a talented, and intelligent girl. listen to your heart and trust in yourself. i will always be here for you juju. love juliette” xoxoxoxo~~ Permalink ~~ Reblog ~~
wow. this is terrible. my heart just broke a little bit more.
this is so crazy it doesnt even seem true, or am i really naive
or maybe jail is a good way to detox, get food and a bed? aha, interesting.~~ Permalink ~~ Reblog ~~